OFFICIALLY DONE WITH THIS.

You know me cheerful. Good. But I am not always like this.

You know me positive. Well, even for that I sweat a lot (sometimes).

Always here to help. Honestly – sometimes I wish I could hell with everything.

Yes, I am only human too. Change my mood and feel. I get tired and lose my strenght. And need breakaway. For a long time, this has been really difficult for me. “I cannot afford this. I have to be tip-top all the time. I cannot show that I cannot handle it anymore. I am not average. I have to do everything and a little bit more, just in case. That everyone will like me… That I will suit.”

Well… I am officially done with this.

I learn to put myself first. But that doesn’t mean that I will be less effective. Probably I will be (because of emphasis on myself and more relaxation on daily basis) even better.

I learn to say NO. Because I don’t need to do everything. Because I often work for others instead for me. Now I know that things have to be done in the different direction. Firstly, I have to work for myself and with this kind of work I can help others. I won’t be Cindirella anymore (well, maybe only at that point, where she lives happily ever after). 🙂

I forgot about me. Forgot about my dreams, passions, love. Forgot about my true purpose in my life. I let myself forgetting for a pretty long period of time. Years passed away and I got lost. New routine, pretence and suiting most of the time have become my new way of life. If my task hadn’t been done perfectly, I didn’t sleep. And let myself to overload in the same night and even in the following day.

I am DONE with this.

Once, I used to have a time for planning. Planning my own future, planning goals, that I wanted to achieve. I have been creating vision boards and dreaming. I miss that.

I miss ME.

I became addicted to perfectionism and nodding to others. And that I was top about everything. Do you even imagine me with few pounds more? Well I had them once. But at the same time I had life. Rich life.

Today there aren’t these extra pounds anymore, but there is also one part of me missing. And I don’t want to say that I have to gain wight that I will be happy. The happiness is already inside me. I just have to let it to come to light.

I have to let myself digging into my passions. I have to write again. And sing. I have to learn about topics that interest me. I have to expand the knowladge that attract me. I have to start doing things, which I always wanted to do. Who has said that I have to kill myself in the gym on daily basis, if this isn’t for me? Edited YouTube videos about “perfect body goals” convinced me with their bad vibration about false perfection. What is perfection? What is natural beauty? Where is the soul?

It is wandering among crowd of crazy thoughts, overfilled shedules and heads, which associate to baloons. Wandering among heads, which deeply inside yearn for the same thing. To live free life. To live for their own purpose. To live far away from frames and expectations of others. To satisfy themselves.

Admit it – it has been a long time since you wanted to bake that super delicious cake you adore. But you haven’t done it yet because, for God sake, you cannot afford such an awesome cake in the middle of the week.

Admit it – it has been a long time since that red dress have been hanging in your wardrobe, but you haven’t worn it yet because you have too fat legs for it and everyone will be staring at you.

Admit it – you always look for the employment ad for a florist and then (if you by chance find it) rather look back at your PC and start to edit the third financial statement for your company.

I am sorry for you. Or – maybe I am not sorry. You chose this life. Like I chose mine. With only difference that I…

… AM DONE WITH THIS.

It is not egoistic that I have started to work what I love. It is not mean, if I say that I don’t have time. It would be tragically. Tragically for my soul and health if I would continue with that.

I have my own purpose on this planet. My own mission. And I intend to follow it. To prove myself at that points, where I feel that I don’t only learn things, but already live them.

Welcome back, my old me. Namaste. I missed you.

With love,

Barb

 

 

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